Wande is a young man in his mid- thirties. About eight months ago, he moved into a two bedroom apartment and as he got to know his neighbors better, he discovered that one of them, Mariam, was a widow. Mariam, in her early thirties, had been married just four years when her husband died in a motor accident; they had a son. Wande was moved by her plight and decided to help her whenever he could. He began by helping her put on the generator whenever there was power outage, then he helped to arrange for an electrician to help fix some faults in her apartment and even helped her once or twice to get fuel during the shortage crisis; as gratitude for his thoughtfulness, Mariam often cooked for him. Wande also grew close to Mariam’s son, Richard; he took him out a lot, spent hours playing with him and Richard often spent the better part of the weekends in Wande’s apartment. Though he had no ulterior motives for his actions, it became clear to Wande one evening that he had to put a stop to his actions when one of his other neighbours referred to Mariam as his wife; he soon learnt that people thought he was having an affair with Mariam and he decided to pull back from her but it was easier said than done. After two days of not seeing Mariam or picking her calls, Wande
realised that he missed her a lot and soon reverted to spending time with her and Richard. In all this,he never really thought of the fact that they were getting attached to
each other. Whilst all this was still going on, Wande met and began dating Kike. He had told Kike about Mariam earlier in their relationship but somehow the ladies had never met each other. At first, Kike had also felt compassion for Mariam and supported his lending a hand when necessary but when she noticed that Mariam and Richard’s names always cropped up whenever Wande was telling her about his day, she grew wary. One day, Kike asked to meet Mariam and Wande obliged. After the
visit, Kike told Wande that Mariam was in love with him and asked him to redefine their friendship. Wande did not believe Kike and teased her about her jealousy, but when she insisted and he sensed her seriousness, he promised to put a distance between himself and Mariam and he did. Some days later, Mariam visited Wande and accused him of avoiding her; at a point, she burst into tears as she told him that she loved and missed him and that he was a father figure to Richard, Wande had to fight himself not to take her in his arms to comfort her. He had to promise to see her the next day before
she left his apartment. Immediately, he called Kike and told her all that had happened; after scolding him for his carelessness with Mariam’s emotions, she encouraged him to continue avoiding Mariam. Wande and Mariam no longer speak to each other; in fact, she treats him as if he does not exist. It is
now clear to Wande that Mariam was emotionally attached and he wishes he had been more careful and considerate of her. He wanted to help but ended up hurting her and Richard.
MY DEDUCTION
Friendships are built and they occur on four
different levels .i.e. acquaintance, casual, close
and intimate friendship. An acquaintance is
someone you see once in a while and with
whom you only exchange greetings; an
acquaintance is an “hello-friend”. A casual
friend is someone with whom you actually
hold conversations; however, the
conversations are light-hearted and do not
involve any sharing of deep issues. Between
men and women, it is advised that the
friendship be restricted to either
acquaintance or casual level if both parties
are not romantically involved with each other;
this is simply to protect them from hurting
each other. A close friend is someone with
whom you share your thoughts, fears, hopes
for the future, etc; a close friend bonds with
you over time and has access to your heart. It
is therefore unwise and dangerous to have
close friendship with a member of the
opposite sex if he/she is not your spouse or
someone you intend to marry. This was the
mistake Wande and Mariam made
Women are emotional beings. When a woman
meets a man who listens, takes care of her
needs, spends quality time with her and just
generally shows that he cares, she opens up
and bonds emotionally with him; this is what
Mariam experienced with Wande. He was
more than a neighbour to her; he was a man
who cared for her as a woman, someone she
had grown to trust and even love. He had
become her close, almost intimate, friend and
to whom much is given, much is expected.
Boundaries are important in relationships;
they help to guard against heartbreak,
betrayal and pain. The level of friendship
desired determines the kind of boundaries
that will be built. If all you want is casual
friendship, don’t spend much time or
exchange confidence with the other person
and don’t encourage him/her to do so with
you either. Helping Mariam was a good idea
but Wande should never have allowed her to
share her fears, hopes and pain with him; it
was not right for him to grow close to her.
She was vulnerable and he took advantage of
that, though unintentionally. If they had
established boundaries for their friendship,
the story would have been different.
As we go through life, we will meet different
people. Some will remain in our lives forever
while some will leave after a short while but
irrespective of long we are a part of each
others lives, we must be careful to be good
and kind to each other. Purpose never to
leave another person wishing they had never
met you and one of the first steps towards
achieving this is having boundaries for all
your relationships. Do not share with an
acquaintance, casual friend, colleague,
secretary, driver, that which is meant for your
spouse or fiancé.
If like Wande, you have hurt someone
unintentionally, please ask God for
forgiveness and seek how you can make
amends (without getting yourself in the same
predicament again). Never underestimate the
power of repentance and offering an
apology; ask God to show you how you can
make amends.
If like Mariam, you are the injured party, you
need to forgive and let God heal your broken
heart. You also need to learn to handle your
emotions better; make decisions based on
information and not what you feel or think. Is
someone spending a lot of time with you?
Ask him/her to define what they want, do not
assume anything!!!
